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chapter one

by dery

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1.
dirt 05:02
shadows on your shoulder and your tears burn into you a year older worrying. words - you haven’t changed them so things are still the same sheets she’s tangled in with him. you gave her everything she has but no wave could make her stay now she’s turning away she’s turning away all their love lives under earth moving dirt under dirt moving dirt under dirt all their love lives under earth moving dirt under dirt moving dirt under dirt you were feeling holy with two rings to bind fingers can bewitch ghostly. nothing lessens the burn. think you can control her but the secret’s in the way it’s not that you don’t know it you choose to stay. dancing to the moon they dancing in tune with galaxies lovers sleep by day, alive at night. dancing to the moon they dancing in tune with galaxies lovers sleep by day, alive at night. she says: “i look at you as my greatest escape” he says: “come to me in a graveyard embrace”
2.
wasting 03:55
oh how my life is wasting down by the river pacing all my scars underwater where they can’t breathe shut what my eyes are facing not alone but i feel it overgrown to the ceiling past what i wanted to learn i’m watching a lie in the mirror look at her turn telling herself she’ll be just fine underwater breathing false air forever. i’ll leave myself behind leave myself behind it all goes over my head twist what i said i’ll fix my own tears instead it all just goes past my mind press rewind turn me back to an easier time an easier time easier time oh how my life is wasting my empty hands keep chasing all my dreams down an ocean where they can’t see show me the life i’m craving
3.
grandmother 02:35
my grandmother sings all alone, sitting with a wooden spoon. her hand holds a lonely cane, she knows she’s never safe. her fingers in my hair too long, then i feel her gone. now i feel her gone. her red hair knows all the answers, she reveals the truth. so i lay my eyes on answers, all the dark secrets she spills from her youth. her nightgown glows by candlelight, stories open at midnight. stories open at midnight.
4.
cut 03:56
clear you cut through the voice. you sell words just like a choice. they tell you each night your eyes stand back. they are the leaves that fall to your track and you say: “baby i don’t care what’s in your heart, when you left hours ago. all i really want is your body, not to feel so alone. all i really want is to use your arms. so let’s lie down tonight and never again yeah yeah let’s be ours tonight and never again.” clear you cut through the night. after bed you just take flight. it’s a hollow feeling hiding you’re alone seeking love-illusions. empty exchanges with all the men you undress after awhile they become the same within yourself you become estranged.
5.
don’t say it’s too late with your hands i see you lie over our heartache if i walk at least i tried. if only we could be young strangers again starting from zero, new to pretend that nothing could happen for us the world would bend. but we can’t go back untried for our loss - not you nor i hear her breathe tender and sigh in your eyes i see disguise don’t say she’s over over years she was our world those years now sober i can only see her in your eyes. without her our walls are bare feeling her fade we stare i’m just not breathing air i’m just not breathing air.
6.
silent 03:34
oh my i’ve done it again: silent are my hands. oh my on me the same he breathes heavy as the rest. i thought that he’d know not to go further when i didn’t show i thought it’d make sense to look at myself through another lens, but silent is my mind silent is my mind fingers untie lines. oh my narrow his eyes he thinks all bodies are his. oh my something in me dies his face of stone turns mine to ice.
7.
unmistakably 04:32
unmistakably try not to show the pain within you as it grows. you search remedies your body leads but no one knows where to begin. inside you still fly you ask white coats why // your body won’t comply you can’t take another step, they force you to breathe, run your body through machines inexplicably you come from a land where you don’t know how to cry you make other plans than to try and figure out why and you say: “oh i don’t know how to make it out” and you say you won’t let go, you don’t know how to make it out make it out your days are waiting hours forever now. you begin to wonder: are you out of your mind? out of your mind consequently you learn to fight perhaps they will pay attention now.
8.
see 03:03
oh i know it’s more that i’m after than stories of you, you’d make a great statue in laughter set in morning dew. slowly i quiver at your gate to all these men you’re the master. sermons carry the weight, in your novel you’re the enchanter. see all the blood that’s run for you, is that what you want? rivers cover desert sand, red runs down the rock is it what you want? is it what you want? isn’t it? they stand at the start of your ladder looking up to you to spin your words into daggers without that you knew.
9.
maybe you’re unsure, always insecure. you can’t make up your mind whether to love or fly. maybe if you think it through and sigh use your intuition and then reply. you feel know it all but oh oh oh you think you’re ready but you don’t know oh oh oh you feel you know it all but you don’t show think why you’re always looking back you can’t sit still as a matter of fact maybe you need time to be more inclined. you can’t see past today with thoughts in disarray.
10.
sun 03:32
you rise in the sky why must you break our intimate silence? with each ray the night is over and i should get up through my windows and my curtains you call on us but why can’t you awaken children late for school or men for work dreamers breaking rules but please spare the lovers from your light your light, your light (leave the lovers in the night) time - the drummer’s beat’s too steady it should listen to our hearts i have the power over you, sun i could close my eyes but then i wouldn’t see him cause all the beauty lies next to me he is my something can’t you awaken
11.
sent from a girl that i once loved, letter was empty, her pen untouched. my hands caught around the envelope as if not to let go. long hair in the grass, toes in the sand. you learned to think and i to stand. the swing carried us far from here, to distant places without fear. from up here i can break stars with just my thumb. from up here none of the houses stand straight, and no one’s eyes can say: “you don’t belong” cause we were love-stained and infinitely strong. wait, were we love-stained or were we wrong? we drive winding roads, watch the sun rise neither of us in disguise. i feel the corners of my mouth reach out for my eyes. i’m fine just as long as you’re not gone.
12.
wind 03:12
i know where i last saw you, we both knew what to say. in the wind we knew everything, we knew everything. in harmony we exhale understand why. this world weighs down on all of our shoulders it’s too much to feel for us all. in this world we sway along as best as we can (it’s nothing that plants like you and i can just try to solve) while the ice melts and the sun burns too strong again. your field looked so different then, last time our world was whole. in the wind all the humans came to just burn it all. creatures who called us home have started to die.
13.
hand 04:17
wenn es nicht mehr passt und wir auseinanderdriften lass ich dich lieber ziehen lass ich dich lieber allein wenn der wind mich treibt heute ohne dich lässt du mich los lässt du mich von dir gehen wir kennen uns nicht mehr ich frag dich nichts niemand spricht ich seh kein Licht etwas in mir bricht wir sind nebeneinander allein ich frag dich nichts niemand spricht ich seh kein Licht etwas in mir bricht zwei magneten ziehen uns voneinander weg andersrum als es früher war zwei magneten ziehen uns voneinander weg andersrum als es früher war meine hand liegt auf deinem rücken als ob sie dich noch braucht als ob sie dich noch will im dunklen wald sind wir gemeinsam verloren und tasten uns voran ohne zu wissen wohin früher war es leicht wie schnee mit dir wir verbrachten jeden tag als ob‘s kein morgen gab
14.
turn 03:19
you’ve got no control over what you say darling and it starts alone fall to your knees in disarray i’ve got no words but i learn to pray you haven’t got it your heart’s mine i’ll keep it safe here for awhile i want you to say that you care and you want to live this through and i’ll be with you here and i won’t turn my back no i won’t turn my back you sing tears and burn words into all our hearts we barley live it through sinking through the earth alone i run to pull you out and bring you home don’t worry your hands and please don’t leave this world no don’t leave this world
15.
am 03:07
i want to care to amuse you with my voice but i don’t share. i want to be fair to impress you with my hands playing beautiful things tangled on strings a melody bare, but i am what i am and nothing else i am what i am and nothing else i wish i’d long to show you all i’ve sung but i don’t feel it belong. i know you want me to bring stories from my past but i don’t think they have that sweet ring and i don’t feel like sharing.
16.
ungodly 03:58
in this ungodly time of hollow love we blind ourselves to help the pain you light a match and i whisper wind inside your ear: “what are we doing and why are we here?” yeah, what are we doing and why are we here? all connections end above and ours is such - start to detach the “you and i” now in the past our hearts have grown to last past each other our hearts have grown to last past each other what are we doing and why are we here? what are we doing and why are we here?

credits

released October 18, 2019

drums, percussion, production: Doug Yowell

vocals: dery, Ari Hest, Victoria Canal, Nalani & Sarina

guitars: dery, Drew Yowell, Thad DeBrock

bass: Will Lee, Drew Yowell, Jeff Allen

trumpet: John Sneider

piano, pads: dery, Gary Schneider, Kevin Bents

mixing: Glenn Ianaro

mastering: David Kowalski

all music and lyrics by dery (except music for “dirt” by Doug Yowell)

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dery New York, New York

dery roams planet earth creating audio fictions about her memories, people’s lives, histories and stories from our collective consciousness. she writes and produces sonic narrative anthologies to engage listeners in a transcendent experience, intended to be listened to like a novel. you can follow dery on all social media, but please don’t follow her around new york - she wouldn’t like that! ... more

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