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chapter three

by dery

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1.
steady 03:28
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your eyes are on me waiting just to give you a sign staring at me like something is nothing and i don’t know why we can’t push past it like we’re letting it go left our questions brewing till they overflowed you look at me you’re afraid that i’m some kind of avalanche and i’m coming coming for you i don’t know how to convey that i’m not even a little bit traitorous, dangerous i swear that i’m not treacherous, hazardous i promise that i’m steady you’re trying to ignore that you avert your eyes every time you notice it might be butterflies avoid the room where the elephant lies cautious of me like i could poison you alive you look at me you’re afraid that i’m some kind of avalanche and i’m coming coming for you i don’t know how to convey that i’m not even a little bit traitorous, dangerous i swear that i’m not treacherous, hazardous i promise that i’m steady i promise that i’m steady i swear that i’m not treacherous, hazardous i promise that i’m steady
2.
witty 01:59
lyrics
you play it so cool like it’s helpful, tell me to calm down you role-play the victim take me for a fool while you argue something else - what am i missing? your talk turns me sober i can’t relate to you now we shared moments in the city used to think you were witty somehow you’re so unattached like it’s healthy - dismissive and proud yeah, i have no feelings when you condescend in the morning, fill my head with doubt till i hit the ceiling your talk turns me sober i can’t relate to you now we shared moments in the city used to think you were witty we left moments in the city used to think you were witty somehow i hate being sober - now you’re mediocre but everything’s up for debate my head i’m in over you never could relate we left moments in the city used to think you were witty somehow we left moments in the city used to think you were witty somehow
3.
rangeless (feat. Luke Sital-Singh) 03:33
lyrics
he said be kind and be wise with your mind but it’s not what i thought i could honestly do. he said be true so i called him and now i’ve been talking for hours to chicago he’s off the bottle and proud of that - seems to be half of the battle i hate admitting i’m not used to quitting but i don’t know what i might want and it’s testing my patience stretch out my arms to keep you rangeless i almost forgot we’re just strangers she said be good i said i understood but it’s not how i thought i should only exist. she said be pure but i’ve never been sure whether answering true sparks resistance she solved a piece of the puzzle while i’m amidst the same struggle i hate admitting i’m not used to quitting and i don’t know what i might want and it’s testing my patience i hate admitting i’m not used to quitting and i don’t know what i might want and it’s testing my patience stretch out my arms to keep you rangeless i almost forgot we’re just strangers
4.
sparkle 04:21
lyrics
i know you know there’s things we cannot stand but you should know you made me a better man well there’s someone out there, it’s true - just know they could be better for you every time i close my eyes you sparkle still to think of our goodbye makes me crumble i hope you get all you want i hope you sing all the time i hope you’re doing better than fine with some distance you will recognize: our history sincerely harmonized every time i close my eyes we sparkle still to think of our goodbye makes me crumble i hope you get all you want i hope you sing all the time i hope you’re doing better than fine i hope you get all you want i hope you sing all the time i hope you’re doing better than fine
5.
riddle 03:57
lyrics
i’m sorry you are gonna miss me sorry to say that you cut off too soon there’s no more poetry to sway me dropped like flies in heated june you said that’s ok with you said you’d come over if it meant nothing to me and i’ll lie for just a little longer knowing i might leave yeah, i’ll lie to say i’m easy if it gets you back to me don’t think too hard on it made your bed in sonnets tell me that you cared just a little right now i could swear that you didn’t don’t write too much for me to be disappointed every piece is a riddle - seems you lost the thread in the middle tell me what you wanted every stone gathers in my throat were you ever honest any time you said you liked me most? which one of us screwed up first? was it my fault? was it yours? i’m sorry you were gonna kiss me sorry to say that i cut you off cause you’d never see a future with me fell too far into distrust you said that’s ok with you said you’d come over if it meant nothing to me and i’ll lie for just a little longer knowing i might leave yeah, i’ll lie to say i’m easy if it gets you back to me don’t think too hard on it made your bed in sonnets tell me that you cared just a little right now i could swear that you didn’t don’t write too much for me to be disappointed every piece is a riddle seems you lost the thread in the middle tell me what you wanted every stone gathers in my throat were you ever honest any time you said you liked me most? which one of us screwed up first? was it my fault? was it yours? it’s much too late to go back to distant dreams fix any trouble bursting through the seams fold under weight of what i call despair ask me to salvage our belief beyond repair don’t think too hard on it made your bed in sonnets tell me that you cared just a little right now i could swear that you didn’t don’t write too much for me to be disappointed every piece is a riddle seems you lost the thread in the middle tell me what you wanted every stone gathers in my throat were you ever honest any time you said you liked me most? were you ever honest? were you ever honest?
6.
drain 03:12
lyrics
called me in love but i’m never letting you call me again wish i could’ve been less bitter but that’s a taste of where i’ve been run you out of my system i’ve gotta drain my spine hot sun and winters in the city i think that you’d never be ready kiss my shins and call me pretty i wonder if you ever meant it - any goddamn sentence bleed me dry of you head grows heavy by the minute trying to solve every phrase chill my blood to calm the simmer whenever you’re in my brain run you out of my system i’ve gotta drain my spine hot sun and winters in the city i think that you’d never be ready kiss my shins and call me pretty i wonder if you ever meant it - any goddamn sentence bleed me dry of you hot sun and winters in the city i think that you’d never be ready kiss my shins and call me pretty i wonder if you ever meant it - any goddamn sentence bleed me dry
7.
shell 04:27
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the sparrow in my mouth keeps me from speaking out and saying all the words i want it holds me back to sing when i would rather scream my language wrapped inside a neat bow i’ve grown a hard shell maybe so nothing could break me now i’m not a criminal - i just want the world to know it’s hard to become young when you’ve grown i don’t want to talk it out don’t want to cry out loud i’d love for my hometown to let go i’ve grown a hard shell maybe so nothing could break me now we search for cures to help us return to feeling young battle it out to regain softness i want to be less hopeless throw wind at being cautious i’m trying to be less thoughtless my shadow’s been working against me it keeps pulling on my arm i wish that one day it would leave me to start over alone windows cave around all my family bound to who they used to be before my mother’s softly wrapped in wrinkles so that they start to keep her warmer now this whole time she was freezing and we didn’t even know she’s grown a hard shell maybe so nothing could break her now she’ll be a ghost so soon and i’m not afraid to go but i don’t want to watch her hurt
8.
iron (feat. Colin Smith) 03:13
lyrics
it’s been a hard time keeping my heart from closing - to not get lost in all of the wounds i’ve frozen but i tried it out: not to shrink and own it and i learned about appearing like i could hit iron veins to keep holding me over until i can take the wheel muster courage to enter each room filled with something i can’t feel (pull me out from under this skin i don’t even feel with the mirror) metal veins to be strong in composure to be solid and not bend over it’s been a rough time dragging my chest with patience - i try to lose it drop it off at the station but i tried it out: not to shrink and own it and i learned about appearing like i could hit iron veins to keep holding me over until i can take the wheel muster courage to enter each room filled with something i can’t feel (pull me out from under this skin i don’t even feel with the mirror) metal veins to be strong in composure to be solid and not bend over
9.
betray 03:40
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there is only one of me so it’s easy to sit quietly instead of disappointing everyone i just tame the monster inside of me sedate her with a pill so she can’t awake the dreaming and i don’t have to feel i never get close to her hold my tongue until it bleeds everyone else matters more strangle my priorities until i have no voice at all i betray myself better than anyone else is it obvious how i give the worst to myself? don’t we all know how these things go down? i guess it’s evident how i might drown i forget to train myself tone it down until i’m nicely agreeing to what ever’s wanted of me until i’m nearly what everybody wants: so damn agreeable but the beast is waiting in the cracks seeping out slowly well, hold my tongue until it bleeds everyone else matters more strangle my priorities until i have no voice at all i betray myself better than anyone else is it obvious how i give the worst to myself? don’t we all know how these things go down? i guess it’s evident how i might drown i betray myself, betray myself i betray myself, betray myself i betray myself, betray myself there is only one of me so it’s easy to sit quietly instead of disappointing everyone i just tame the monster inside of me
10.
fly 03:53
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i watched you kill a fly across the windowpane that’s not what you thought i’d judge you for. i can’t help but wonder why you’d erase a thing that never tried to sting is it your nature that keeps you feeling like you’re strong? assert yourself on the hour like clockwork just to tell me that i’m wrong i hate it when i’m right about you and nothing i think is good i hate it - how it starts so small but grows where a canyon could i hate it when i’m right about you hate it when i’m right about you i watched you touch her neck out on the balcony you did so lovingly - can’t see it’s hard to breathe with a finger on her pulse she smiles up at you, no one argues is it your nature that keeps you feeling like you’re strong? assert yourself on the hour like clockwork just to tell me that i’m wrong i hate it when i’m right about you and nothing i think is good i hate it - how it starts so small but grows where a canyon could i hate it when i’m right about you hate it when i’m right about you i hate it when i’m right about you hate it when i’m right about you bring out the racquet thrown at the window something inside you boils and burns slow yeah, i hate it when i’m right about you i hate it when i’m right about you i hate it when i’m right about you and nothing i think is good i hate it - how it starts so small but grows where a canyon could
11.
breakdown (feat. Josh Radnor) 03:53
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it’s been a long time coming so i don’t know why i’m still up against a wall i know i’ve been waiting until the drop becomes a fall to delay the knocking on lists of things to eventually do give in to the tension allow the flame all my attention been trying to grow giving stop signs way too much weight i’m back feeling numb focused on every mess that i hate breakdown, time out shut down, call me out i’m done, got a little too lost forgot how to breathe it’s coming at a huge cost breakdown, lose it meltdown, can’t choose it i’m done, got a little absent forgot how to gasp without cadence watch the ink spill slow across the page hide what i’m meant to do letters stop flowing indecisiveness starts growing every second that i think about the life i could have led etch every intention can’t make do without attention been trying to grow giving stop signs way too much weight i’m back feeling numb focused on every mess that i made breakdown, time out shut down, call me out i’m done, got a little too lost forgot how to breathe it’s coming at a huge cost breakdown, lose it meltdown, can’t choose it i’m done, got a little absent forgot how to gasp without cadence breakdown, flip out back down, fail out breakdown, incite chaos, rewrite it’s been a long time coming so i don’t know why i’m still up against a wall i know i’ve been waiting
12.
unsurprising 03:03
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i had to drive by your apartment to get home, when i saw it: someone new inside your head - it’s been two days since i occupied it you spring-cleaned me out and i wish i could be stunned but you never tried to prove me wrong you’re still a child, dramatizing and i hate that it’s unsurprising hit the corner - keen to back out yeah, i always hate that sound what i hate the most is how easy you let go and maybe i should be angry but what if i saw it all coming? you cut me out and turn me in everything at your whim now i’m disillusioned and i wish i could be stunned but you never tried to prove me wrong you’re still a child, terrorizing and i hate that it’s unsurprising hit the corner - keen to back out yeah, i always hate that sound you’re still a child running wild hit the concrete once for me it seems you always leave sorry what i hate the most is how easy you let go how easy you let go let go black, white to grey you don’t want me to stay watch all the edges dissolve out till your house in the hills becomes less loud yeah, it kills me to know that i’ll have to let you go

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released December 1, 2023

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dery New York, New York

dery roams planet earth creating audio fictions about her memories, people’s lives, histories and stories from our collective consciousness. she writes and produces sonic narrative anthologies to engage listeners in a transcendent experience, intended to be listened to like a novel. you can follow dery on all social media, but please don’t follow her around new york - she wouldn’t like that! ... more

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